First bach of drawings I ever did, back in 2011, were storaged on my stolen laptop.
I started painting on a crappy version of WinXP, in simple PAINT program. My movements were very shaky, and controling the mouse was very hard, so I used to zoom to max, just to draw a line. After three or four drawings I was hooked. They came to me in a very frustrated period of my life, when I was choosing between what I want and what I already have. There, in one afternoon, while simple, out of bordom doodling, these creatures (now called Kiki) came to life by looking me straight in the eyes, with their scary black faces as windows of my soul. When I look at it now, I can't say that I've become a better, whole rounded, person (as I portrait myself), but I can say that these drawings gave me the permission to be free. You are now looking at a completely free person, which in modern days, is the the hardest thing. Nobody says that being free is good. More often the freedom we give to ourselves, is the freedom to be bad, rather than good. But you have to start somewhere. First freedom came with question: "Where are you?". It came to my realisation that we occupy the most beautiful stone, where anything is possible. The pure magic of how the existance of Cosmos came to be, and then the smallest creations of life, somewheres* in between, with all those gasses and particles and atoms that dance, and then me, .... , made me very confidant to accept that I am here to be and to wonder. If I could help the planet anyhow while living, sure, it's not hard to plant a tree. Infact, it is easier than planting own position among humans. That sprouted the question : "How do I want to live?" and an instant answer: "every damn way I want". Turns out, I want to live carefree and loving. Only way to be carefree is to give up on the human construct of "good life style". Life has no style but freestyle. You should not fake, nor hide, the true spirit within you. Mine was lazy. Adventurous, curious, and lazy. But being lazy doesen't mean that I am irresponsable, or abstain. It just means that I will do what must be done first, in a most efficient, least energy spill, way. That doesent sit well with bosses. I don't need money to breathe, nor to drink water or to eat. There is plenty around us, especially nowadays when general production is way higher than consumption, there is garbage everywhere, and you can, really can, live of garbage. So, no income, no roof, no security, but a whole world to own. Sounds great but (spoiller alert, mind the twist), it turned out, yet again, that being free is not so welcomed in this society. They would rather feel safe than free. From germs to animals, people are scared of the nature. I was not. So by the year of 2014 I've been living on frineds couches, eating from the dumpster, and smoking cigarettes I found on street. Needless to say, one by one, my family and friends started resenting my way of life, and somewhere on the way, both patience and love were gone. I can live without contact, but I can't live without love. Then, one day, while collecting my cigarettes, I met a man who gave me a reason to stay in the city. He gave me an instant mound of love, adoration and pure appreciation for my existence, and on top of that he had an abundance of understanding, chivalry, good humor and all around cool. Only, thing is, he is 25 years older than me. That is when I found my last freedom, freedom to love who ever and how ever I want. My family and friends, once again, objected very hard against my choice, letting the hiatus between us grow and swallow our connection. Sometimes I call and hang up, just to remind them of strangeness of life, in which I flourish and they don't even comprehend.
